Loss of “Romantic Love”
A man reports that after almost two decades of marriage, he separated from his wife. Outwardly, there were no problems: no children, no financial worries, no infidelity, hardly any arguments. His wife was also his best friend, and he had shared many of life’s beautiful experiences with her.
Yet he realized that the romantic love had disappeared. He describes the conversation about the separation as the hardest moment of his life. His wife reacted with despair and blamed herself.
The man himself experienced deep sorrow for having hurt the most important person in his life. However, he also wanted to encourage others who are going through a similar situation: You are not alone with this pain, and the grief of the one who initiates the separation is real and no less valid.
About True Love
Romantic love has only marginally to do with true love. True love is not rooted in subjective feelings, not in emotions, not in intimacy, not in advantages or benefits. Love means wanting the good of the other for their own sake—regardless of whether they bring me benefit, awaken feelings, offer intimacy, or make me feel better.
Those who seek only the love that “does me good” are seeking a form of love that is transient and remains within the realm of the world. Such love burns brightly but extinguishes as soon as its own fire is no longer nourished.
Many then say: “I don’t feel anything anymore. I don’t sense anything anymore. I no longer benefit.” But in doing so, they confuse love with satisfaction. True love is shown precisely in affirming the other even when feelings fade or no advantages remain. It is a decision of the will, not an interplay of sensations.
If you reduce love to benefit and feelings, in the end only this remains: “If it brings me nothing, why should I stay? If I no longer feel anything, I can no longer give anything.” One convinces oneself that the other would then be unhappy. But in truth, happiness does not lie in changing feelings, but in the fidelity that recognizes the other’s dignity and wills them good—regardless of one’s own advantage.